At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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