Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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