Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
