So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
