i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize