Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
