My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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