her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
