Moan for me like Helen Keller
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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