I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
