i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
