just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
