My liver just broke up with me...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The Olympian is in my bed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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