I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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