Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
