she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
