You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
