remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
