nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
