How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
