i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
