she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize