I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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