ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
