my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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