We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
