went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
