Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
