i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
