any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
