i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
did you just send me my own nude
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Shame is for Republicans.
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