She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
