the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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