Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
