A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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