I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
