Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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