I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
