my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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