Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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