i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
