Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
