dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am one with the molecules
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
