i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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