Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
