Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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