my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
