Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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