I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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