I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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