She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
