I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So much rum. So many feels.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
