Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
