Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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