Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
