did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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