you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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