can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize