She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
