Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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