he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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