6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
