im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
