Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
