dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
