I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
