Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
